


You Can’t Silence Pain

by oursaviorkellinquinn



Category: Motionless In White
Genre: Anxiety, Basically Porn, Cuddling, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mpreg, Panic Attack, Self Harm, Smut, Vomiting, anxiety attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-01-30 11:29:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21427489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oursaviorkellinquinn/pseuds/oursaviorkellinquinn
Summary: Ricky cancels date night and Chris goes to check on him. Only to be  surprised by what he finds.
Relationships: Chris "Motionless" Cerulli/Ricky "Horror" Olson, Chris Cerulli/Ricky Olson
Kudos: 27





	1. You Can’t Silence Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve re-edited this so it’s a little different if you’ve read it before :)

~Ricky’s pov~  
I have a date with my boyfriend, Chris, tonight. We’ve been band mates for years, but only been dating for a couple of weeks, so I want our evening to be perfect.

I invited Chris over for dinner at my apartment because, not to brag, I make fucking good spaghetti. 

I know I need a few things from the store, so I head out, leaving time before Chris is supposed to arrive later.

Instead of going to the big grocery store I usually shop at, I drive a little further to a fancy one. Yes, I’m trying to impress Chris.

My shopping is going fine until I accidentally turn down the liquor isle. Everyone knows that I don’t drink, but very few people knew why. When I was 21 I was so depressed that I tried to commit suicide. On that fateful night I got drunk out of my mind on Jack Daniel’s whiskey and slit my wrists. Thankfully I still lived at home and quickly got help from my family. I haven’t drank a single drop since then.

I keep my eyes on the floor and make my way down the isle filled with bottles. When I turn the corner I finally let my gaze wander, and it lands instantly on a display of whiskey. The exact Jack Daniel’s whiskey I drank that night.  
I try to take deep breaths as I make my way to the check out lanes. I’m fine. No problem. Seeing a whiskey label is not a problem. What are the fucking odds they haven’t changed the bottle design in the last like, ten years?

After paying for my food I put the bags in the back of my car and get in the drivers seat. I’m trying not to spiral but seeing that bottle caught me off guard. What if I had bought it? What if I had stored it away until things got rough again? What if I drank it and successfully ended my life? The band would be devastated. Even though I’ve only been dating Chris for a matter of weeks, we’ve known each other forever. Chris suffers from depression too, would my death push him over the edge?

My breathes start coming in short bursts, my heart is pounding in my ears, and my hands are shaking. The beginnings of a panic attack.  
I put the car in gear and head home, even though I’m not sure I’m really in the best mental state to be driving.

By the time I’m parked outside my apartment I feel better. Focusing on the road helped calm me down.

When I go inside I can tell that the panicky feeling isn’t gone, just subdued. So I try to go about my business and not feed into the anxiety.

I fail, quickly. My hands start to shake again, there isn’t any breath in my lungs, and it’s definitely too warm in my apartment.

I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time, so I’m not sure what to do. I pour myself a cold drink of water and turn on some music. Neither of those are helping the overwhelming feelings, so I turn the radio back off and change into more breathable clothes, discarding my skinny jeans and opting for sweatpants. 

That’s when I realize that I’m out of ideas. I feel like I might vomit, or black out.  
If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that I don’t want Chris to show up in the middle of this. I find my phone and send off a few texts.

Ricky: Hey, sorry to cancel at last minute, but I feel like shit. Reschedule?

Chris: Fuck, do you need anything?

Ricky: Nope, probably just some sleep.

Chris: Okay. Talk tomorrow? I still want that  
famous pasta :)

I feel bad keeping things from Chris, but I didn’t exactly lie. He’s even seen me in the throes of an anxiety attack before, but this feels different since we’re dating. I don’t want Chris to see me while I’m so vulnerable right now.

I put down my phone and let the one thought into my mind that I’ve been trying to avoid. Something I used to do when my anxiety got bad. 

I haven’t resorted to self harm in years, but I’m not thinking straight. I try to find a razor blade, but settle for an exacto knife I find in my office supplies.

I can already tell I’ll regret this, but I’ll do anything to stop the panicky feeling that’s crashing over me in waves. I hold out my wrist and make a neat horizontal slice, then another, and another, until my arm is dripping blood all over the floor. After six cuts I decide that this isn’t working either. I wrap a towel around my wrist and go to my room, crawling into bed and hoping that when I wake up the attack will be over.

~

~Chris pov~  
I’m trying not to be disappointed by our date being cancelled. I wonder what’s wrong with my boyfriend. Fuck, I should have asked.  
Maybe I should check on him? After all, it is weird that Ricky hasn’t replied to my last text.

I decide to just call and ask if I can still come over, but he doesn’t answer the phone. I send him another text.

Chris: I think I’m gonna come over and spoil you...Is that okay?

When I don’t get a reply to this either I feel a wave of worry. So I finally make up my mind, and leave for Rick’s apartment.

By the time I make the twenty minute drive and arrive at his door, I’m scared. Why hasn’t he replied? Even if he’s trying to sleep, he should have heard his phone.

I knock on the door and wait. After a couple minutes I knock again, a little louder. Nothing.  
Nobody sleeps that well. Did Ricky lie? Is he not home?

I try the knob and find it unlocked, so I twist it open. I’m familiar with his apartment, having been here countless times before we started dating, so I start looking around. Honestly, I’m expecting the place to be empty. The last room I check is Ricky’s bedroom, nudging open the door that’s already ajar.

There’s Ricky, curled up in his bed, under the covers, violently shaking.

“Rick?” I say softly, but loud enough he can hear me.

I cross the room and walk around the bed so I can get a better look at the sleeping boy.  
Ricky definitely doesn’t look peaceful. His eyes are shut, but he’s trembling and sweat is dripping down the side of his face. I’ve seen him like this before. He’s having a panic attack.

I kneel down and start moving the boy’s hair away from his face. His eyes drift open and he doesn’t even look startled to see me here.

“Honey, are you okay?” I ask gently.

“No.” He replies through chattering teeth, another side effect of the attack.

I know that the best way to help my boyfriend settle down is through physical contact. Holding him firmly always does the trick, which used to be weird before we starting dating, but I’ve done it on multiple occasions to calm my panicky friend.

We’ve never shared a bed before and this isn’t how I had pictured the first time, but I don’t care as long as I can help him.

I take off my shoes and climb under the covers on the opposite side of the bed, moving across until I’m spooning him. I sneak one arm underneath his body and wrap the other over top of him, so I’m completely hugging the shaking boy. We’re so close that you can’t tell where one of us starts and the next stops.

It doesn’t take long for his trembling to stop and his breathing to finally calm into a normal rhythm.

“Feeling better?” I ask quietly.

“Yeah.” He murmurs, equally as soft.

“What happened baby?”

“It was stupid.”

“But it upset you.” I state simply.

“I-I saw a bottle of whiskey exactly like the one I drank when... when I tried to kill myself.” He stutters, trying and failing to not to let his voice shake.

“Hey, it’s okay.” I whisper, rubbing soothing patterns on his waist. 

Ricky turns over so that we’re face to face.

“It was so fucking stupid to have an attack over it, but once I started spiraling I kept having all of these memories from that night.”

“It’s not stupid Rick, anyone in your situation could have reacted the same way, but why didn’t you tell me you were panicking?” I inquire.

“I guess... I guess I was embarrassed. Especially after...” he trails off, his cheeks flushing.

I wait a minute to see if he’s going to finish his thought before finally urging him on.

“Especially after what?”

Ricky hesitates before telling me.

“Chris I wasn’t thinking straight. I just wanted the anxiety and everything to stop.”

“It’s okay, you can tell me.” I reassure him.

“I-I cut myself. On purpose.” He admits, the words spilling out.

“Oh Rick.” I murmur, pulling him in for a firm hug. I know how hard it was for him to stop cutting originally, he must be heartbroken that he relapsed.

“Can I see?” I ask softly.

He sits up and slowly takes his left arm out from under the covers. The cuts have stopped bleeding now, but Ricky’s white sheets are stained.

I suck in a deep breath before I take his hand and give it a nice squeeze.

“Can I help you clean those up?”

The injured boy only nods.

We crawl out of the ruined sheets and go to the bathroom. Ricky directs me on where to find the first aid supplies before he sits on the edge of the bath tub. I sit beside him and gently clean the wounds, relieved to find that they aren’t too deep. I’m not sure I could have talked him into stitches. I spread some soothing ointment over the cuts and wrap a bandage tightly around his wrist.

“Thank you.” He says, sounding sincerely grateful.

“No problem baby.” I reply, looking up to find tears in my boyfriend’s eyes.

“I’m sorry I cancelled our date.” He whimpers.

I can’t stand to see Ricky cry, so I gather him into a soothing hug and try to find the right words to ease his guilt.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. You did the best you could. I’m not upset at all, okay? I completely understand.”

He nods a little before wiping his eyes and smiling at me.

“Let’s order pizza, I’m fucking starved.”

“Me too, pizza sounds great.” I agree with a chuckle.

I make Ricky sit on the couch and drink some tea while I place our order at the pizza place. As we wait for our food to arrive I scrub the blood stains out of the carpet, change the sheets on the bed, and put away Ricky’s groceries.

Once the delivery boy has been paid, I join Ricky on the couch. We enjoy our meal and watch a movie, just happy to be spending time together.

I can tell that he’s trying to ask me something. He repeatedly opens his mouth and takes a breath, only to hesitate and shut it again. Finally, he gets his nerve up.

“Would you stay here tonight? With me?”

I smile at him, taking his hand and lacing our fingers together.

“Of course I will.”

I hope Ricky knows that I would do anything for him.


	2. The Sex in Your Violence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a traumatic night, and a misunderstanding, the boys take their relationship to the next level.

~Ricky’s pov~  
When I wake up the next morning I can feel a solid weight draped over my side. Upon closer inspection, that weight is my boyfriend’s arm.   
I’m blissful for a moment, snuggling closer to Chris.

“Morning baby.” He murmurs, his breath caressing my ear.

“Morning.” I mumble, fighting back a yawn.

“Feeling better?”

“Definitely.”

Chris plants a gentle kiss on the back of my head, then lightly on my ear. He’s rapidly running out of options since we’re spooning, so he pushes my long, black hair out of the way and starts peppering my neck with kisses. No teeth, no hickeys, just gentle lips. I roll over and press our lips together, starting a nice rhythm as Chris slides his tongue into my mouth. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer until the entire fronts of our bodies are pressed together. He wraps a leg around me and tangles his long fingers in my hair. All of it is slow and comfortable, but I have a suspicion that he’s coddling me.

“Chris.” I breathe.

“Hmm?” Is all the other boy says in reply.

“I think we should have some breakfast.”

Chris pulls back hesitantly. We’ve yet to take our relationship further than making out and cuddling. Usually it’s a joint decision because we don’t want to rush anything, but right now it’s me putting a stop to this.

Honestly, I’m a little scared that my boyfriend is only hanging around this morning because he’s worried about my mental stability. 

Of course he doesn’t complain or push for more, so we get up and take turns using the bathroom before heading to the kitchen for food. We’re both just in our boxers, but we’ve known each other for so long that we barely notice.

I start pulling out eggs and bread, motioning for him to sit on a stool at the kitchen island.

“Since I fucked up dinner last night, let me make you breakfast.” I say.

“Well you didn’t fuck up anything, but I’d love that.” He replies sweetly.

As soon as I put both of our plates on the counter and take a seat next to Chris, I can tell that he’s gearing up to say something important. He puts a hand comfortingly on my thigh, and takes a breath before speaking.

“Ricky? Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, honey. Anything.”

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

I almost choke on the bite of eggs I’m chewing.

Ignoring the embarrassed blush warming my face, I answer my worried boyfriend.

“Of course I do. Why?”

Chris is smiling but trying to hide it.

“Well after this morning in bed...I just thought maybe you didn’t.”

“I don’t even know how to say this... I thought you were going to fuck me out of pity. Or like, you were only hanging around to make sure I was okay.”

Chris laughs a little, shaking his head and taking a bite of his food.

“Yeah, I wanted to make sure you’re okay, because I care about you. But I want to have sex because you fucking turn me on.”

I feel the blush on my face grow a deeper shade of red, but I try to fend off the embarrassment as I lean over and kiss Chris firmly on the lips. He immediately brushes my mouth with his tongue and I let it in without a second thought.

“Fuck it.” He mutters, standing up.

Our lips are only apart for a matter of seconds while he places his hands under each of my thighs and hoists me up onto the counter. Our kiss resumes with even more lust as I part my legs, letting Chris stand in between them. Being pressed together in all the right places is getting us hornier by the minute. My hands are gliding along his chest, feeling all the firm muscles that dwell there. I can already tell that he’s going to be dominant, the way he easily lifts me and how he always takes control of our kisses. 

Chris moves his hands down to my ass and gives it a rough squeeze. I bite my lip to hold back a moan at the feeling and start grinding my crotch into his front.

“Chris.” I whimper, much like I had earlier. I know Chris is probably scared I’m gonna ask him to stop again.

“Hmm?” He replies, just like he had this morning as well.

“Let’s move to the bed.” I whisper against his soft lips.

Without any delay he picks me back up and I cling to his torso with my legs and wrap my arms around his neck.

When we enter my bedroom he lays me gently on the bed, and connects our lips again. This doesn’t last long before I sit up and start kissing my way down his thin torso. I keep going till I reach his treasure trail then look up and make eye contact with him. He nods looking flushed and needy, which totally turns me on.

~Chris’ pov~  
Ricky kneels on the floor in front me and hooks his fingers in the elastic of my boxers, removing them with ease. We’ve toured together countless times and living on buses is surprisingly intimate, so I’m not embarrassed by nudity. Our eyes connect again and he proceeds to lick my entire length, focusing on the tip.

“Holy fucking shit.” I breathe, my words slurring together with pleasure.

I tangle my hands in his long hair, letting my fingers run through it sensually. He takes all of my dick in his mouth and my hips buck a little, shoving myself further into his throat. I know he can handle it, but I make an effort to stay still for him. He keeps a steady rhythm, taking as much of my cock as he can, then letting it slide out all the way to the tip. He knows exactly what he’s doing and I’m becoming a mess, not able to stop the string of deep moans coming from my throat. 

Reaching down, he palms himself for a few seconds, I’m sure just trying to get some relief.

He works me so well with his mouth that I know I’m gonna have to speak up or I’m going to ruin all our fun. 

“Mmh, baby, stop.”

He pops off and leaves one last kiss on my tip before standing up. I quickly help him out of his boxers and push him down on the bed, licking one of my fingers and beginning to tease his hole. I massage it, leaning down and licking him a bit before gently sliding the tip of my finger inside. As I press my finger into him deeper and start pumping it in and out, he strokes his hard length, closing his eyes and whimpering. The sight of my boyfriend getting himself off while I have a finger in his ass is so erotic that I could cum right now. I add another finger and start pumping faster, using more spit so everything glides easier. Ricky isn’t making any sounds of pain so I quickly shove in a third finger to make sure he’s plenty prepped. I reposition my hand slightly and he lets out a scream that falters into a moan.

“Chris, fuck me.” He whines

As soon as Ricky says these words I pull my fingers out and he helps me locate the lube that he keeps in the bedside table.

“Don’t you have condoms?” I ask, trying to remember if I brought my wallet, knowing I have one in it.

“We don’t need it, you’re clean right? I am.”

“Um yeah, are you sure? I think I have one-”

“I’m sure baby, I trust you. It feels so much better without.” He says, panting in between sentences. He takes ahold of his dick again and gives it a few pumps, keeping eye contact with me.

“Okay.” I confirm, deciding that I trust my boyfriend.

I lay down on the bed Ricky crawls on top of me, bending forward for a lusty kiss. He lines up my dick with his ass, and starts easing his way down the hard length.

“Oh my god.” I murmur.

Once he’s fully seated, he squeezes his eyes shut.

“Are you okay?” I ask, ignoring the fact that I desperately need him to move. I can feel his muscles tightening and loosening around me, just teasing my sensitive member.

“Yeah, just give me a minute.” He answers, opening his eyes to look at me.

I take ahold of his penis and stroke it slowly, running my thumb across his slit, trying to make this more pleasurable for him. Only a couple seconds later I feel his muscles relax and he rolls his hips, causing me to let out a deep, throaty moan. He starts to lift himself up, almost to the tip of my cock, before letting himself slide back down. 

He’s only starting this rhythm when I grab his ass and slowly shove myself in, then pull back out, fucking him faster and faster. Right then I hit that little bundle of nerves inside of Ricky that makes him scream and dig his nails into my arms that are holding him steady. I reposition my hips so I can hit his prostate with every thrust. He keeps moaning and whining as I fuck deeper and deeper into him, the sounds pushing me closer to my orgasm.

“Baby.” I moan.

“Huh?” He answers, obviously having trouble focusing on me.

“I’m gonna cum.”

He leans down and kisses me sloppily before moving his mouth to my ear.

“Fill me.” He whispers.

These words are barely out of his mouth before I slam into him and let my orgasm roll over me. 

The feeling of my cum inside of him must have tipped Ricky closer to the edge because I barely have time to jack him off while still fucking him before he slaps a hand over his mouth.

“FUCK!” He wails as his own streams of semen covering my stomach. 

I keep stroking him until I’m sure he’s completely finished, then he leans forward to let me slide out of his hole. A little cum drips out too and it’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. He lays next to me on his side and cuddles close, tangling our legs together.

“I love you so fucking much baby.” I say, sounding like I’ve just run a marathon.

“I love you too.” Ricky replies, taking my hand in his own.

“So much.” He adds.

“We should probably get tested and stuff before we go unprotected again.” I mention. It didn’t bother me today, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.

“Yeah, we should, but after that you’re never wearing a condom again. It feels so good to have you bare inside me. Plus, it’s not like I’m gonna get pregnant or something.” He laughs and I join him.

“Sounds like a plan.” I reply.


	3. All of My Flaws

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Chris and Ricky have been...intimate...for a few weeks, the small boy becomes sick.

~Ricky’s pov~  
I’m cuddled up by Chris on his couch watching a movie before I go home. We went out for dinner and planned on bar hopping for a bit, but I ended up feeling super tired, so we just came back to his place.

“Do you want to go to bed?” He asks sweetly.

“Oh. I really planned on going home, I don’t have anything with me.”

“You’re way too tired to drive baby, you have a toothbrush here, just stay.”

“Mm, okay. Thanks.”

I snuggle closer to him and let my eyes drop shut. Maybe I should have taken him up on his offer to go to bed.

It feels like I’ve barely fallen sleep when all of a sudden I’m jolted awake. It only takes one second to know I’m gonna be sick. I stumble off the couch and rush to the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet and heaving up the contents of my stomach. 

It’s only takes a second before Chris appears next to me.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” He asks, gathering my hair up and holding it back for me.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fi-“ Is all I get out before another wave of nausea hits and I throw up again.

Chris rubs my back soothingly until I’m done, then he helps me up and gives me my toothbrush. After I scrub the disgusting taste from my mouth he leads me to his bedroom where it’s surprisingly bright.

“What time is it?” I mutter, trying to block my sensitive eyes from the sun streaming in.

“It’s around 7:00.”

“Oh, I thought it was still nighttime.”

“Lay down.” He orders, pulling back the covers for me.

“I’m okay, I just woke up feeling a little nauseous. I really feel fine now.”

“Okay...well you rest and I’ll make you breakfast.”

“I guess I won’t complain about that.” I reply, giving in to his coddling.

As the day goes on I feel completely fine, besides the crippling exhaustion. Eventually I decide I must have eaten something bad at dinner last night.

“Do you have to go home?” Chris asks as I gather my things to leave.

“Yeah, I’ve got that video to edit and I didn’t bring my laptop.”

“Okay, well call me tomorrow, I could come hang out sometime and keep you company while you work.”

“That would be great.” I agree as stand on my toes to give him a kiss.

“I love you, drive safe.” He calls as I walk down his hall.

“I love you too.” I reply, grinning as I leave the building.

The next morning I’m leaned over my own toilet, throwing up everything I’ve eaten recently. I’ve been in here for awhile because every time I think I’m done, another wave of nausea hits me.

“Jesus Christ, are you almost done? I’ve gotta pee.” My new roommate, Vinny, isn’t quite as caring as Chris was yesterday.

“Fuck off.” Is all I get out before I heave into the toilet again.

“Are you hungover or something?” He asks, sitting on the counter by the sink.

I finally sit back against the wall and take some deep breathes through my nose, just trying to not be sick again. I’m hoping my stomach is empty.

“I don’t drink, Vin, you know that. I don’t know what’s going on, this happened yesterday too.”

“You seemed fine when you got home last night.”

“Yeah, I threw up yesterday morning and thought it was food poisoning, but this is exactly the same.”

“You probably just have a weird virus or something. Drink plenty of water and take some vitamins or some shit. Can I pee now?”

I try to stand up, unsuccessfully because my legs are so weak. Vinny comes over and helps me up.

“Maybe you should go to the doctor.” He suggests as he steadies me.

“I’m totally fine. I’ll have some breakfast and feel better.”

So that’s what I do, I make myself eggs and eat them slowly with a mug of tea. I instantly feel better, still tired, but way better.

Around mid afternoon I’m getting bored of editing this video. It’s some vacation footage that a friend of mine shot while he was in Hawaii and he asked me to edit it for his YouTube channel. It’s turning out good, but I can only edit something like this for so long before I need a break.

I find my phone and call Chris.

“Hey baby.” He answers.

“Hey, are you busy?”

“Not at all, can I come over?”

“Please. I’m so fucking bored with this editing.”

“I’m on my way.”

About twenty minutes later Chris is on my couch and we’re making out. I’m straddling his legs and he’s got a firm hold on my ass while our lips keep a steady rhythm.

“Ew.” Is all I hear from the kitchen.

I detach my lips from Chris’ and turn to see Vinny pouring himself a bowl of cereal.

“Hey Vinny.” Chris says with a light pink blush covering his cheeks.

“Hey Christopher. Can’t you do that in Ricky’s room?”

“Can’t you eat your cereal in your room?” I ask him, both of us pretty much joking.

“Ugh, first with the bathroom this morning and now this?” He rambles as he makes his way back to his room.

I laugh and turn my attention back to my boyfriend.

“What did he mean about the bathroom?” He asks, looking amused by our bantering.

“Oh, I was a little sick and he needed to pee. He made it into a bigger deal than it needed to be.” I don’t know why I play it off I like wasn’t super sick again. I don’t like lying to him.

“Sick? Did you throw up again?”

“Um, yeah. It’s not a big deal, I’m better now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have come over and taken care of you again. Are you gonna see a doctor?” 

“I didn’t tell you because I’m fine and I’m not gonna go to the doctor for some virus.”

He seems very unconvinced but he slowly nods.

“Okay, but promise you’ll tell me if it happens again? I wanna make sure you’re okay baby.”

“I promise Chris, don’t worry about me.”

I lean in and reconnect our lips, tangling my fingers in his short hair and trying to forget all about my illness.

The next morning I wake up feeling terrible. I haven’t gotten out of bed yet because I know that if I sit up I’m gonna puke. The nausea is a little better than yesterday and I’m trying my best to control it, but I know I still have to call Chris. He’s worried about me and I shouldn’t keep things from him.

He picks up on the first ring.

“Morning.” He answers in his adorable morning voice.

“Hey.” I reply and I kick myself for how awful I sound. My voice is weak and shaky.

“Baby? Are you okay?” 

“No, I feel terrible and if I get up I’m gonna be sick.”

“Don’t move, I’ll be right there.”

I try to doze off but I feel too bad so I just lay in bed, motionless, trying to keep last night’s dinner inside my stomach.

I hear keys rattle in the front door and then there’s footsteps and a light knock on my door before it opens.

“Hey, are you feeling any better?” He asks quietly as he sits on the edge of my bed and starts pushing my sweaty hair out of my face.

“No, I-“ is all I get out before I have to take a deep breath to calm the gross feeling that washes over me.

“Wanna go to the bathroom and get it over with?” Chris offers.

“Fuck. Sure.”

Chris helps me sit up and I barely make it to the toilet before I vomit and vomit and vomit.

“I’m taking you to the doctor when you feel better this morning, okay?” My caring boyfriend says.

All I can do it nod as I continue to spew.

~

“Olson, Ricky?” A nurse calls and I stand up with a little unnecessary help from Chris.

We follow her back to an exam room and she tells us to wait for Dr. Bokan, which doesn’t take long.

“Hi, Ricky?” The doctor inquires, looking at me since I’m the one sitting on the exam table.

“Yes.” I reply, holding out my hand to shake his. He’s tall with tanned skin and kind, blue eyes.

“And this is?” He holds his hand out to Chris.

“Chris, my boyfriend.” I supply.

“Nice to meet you both. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem Mr. Olson?”

“Um, for the past three mornings I’ve been a little sick. You know, nauseous and vomiting.”

Chris looks at me, clearly unimpressed, before he speaks up.

“Doctor, he’s been violently sick. It seems like he can’t stop vomiting until his stomach is completely empty.”

“I see. Have you had any other symptoms? Is it only in the morning?”

“Yeah, just in the morning. I’ve been really tired, but I don’t think that’s related.”

“Do you drink or do any drugs?”

“No, neither.”

“Do you have any food allergies?”

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“When was the last time you engaged in sexual intercourse?”

I feel the blood rush to my cheeks and my eyes shoot to Chris’, but I clear my throat and answer anyways.

“Last night.”

“How often do you have sex?”

“Um, a few times a week usually.”

“And it’s protected?”

“Oh, no.”

“Never?”

I shake my head, wishing I could just die to get out of this situation.

“How long have you been engaging in unprotected sex?”

I look to Chris again, wondering if this breaks some trust in our relationship, but he just gives me a reassuring smile and nods a little.

“We started having sex without condoms about... six weeks ago?”

Dr. Bokan nods a little and writes a few things down on his clipboard.

“Alrighty. I think you probably just have some sort of stomach bug that should be done any day now, but just to be safe we’ll take a urine and blood sample from you. Those results will come in later today and a nurse will call you with them, okay?”

“Yes, thank you Doctor.” I say, feeling a little relieved.

We all shake hands again and then a nurse comes in to take samples from me. 

Later that evening Chris and I are cleaning up our dishes from dinner and chatting with Vinny. My phone starts ringing and I see it’s a random number, so I let it go.

“Hey, that could be your results.” Chris says, noticing the number on the screen.

“Oh shit, I forgot about that.” I curse, but it’s too late, I missed the call.

“It’s okay, they’ll leave a message or call back.” He assures me.

Sure enough they leave a voicemail. I don’t even leave the room to listen to it, sure that it’s just a nurse telling me that all my results are normal and I should be back to myself in a couple of days.

“Hello Mr. Olson, this is Valerie calling from Dr. Bokan’s office. The results from your urine and blood tests just came back and well...it appears you’re pregnant. Dr. Bokan has made an appointment for you at eight o’clock tomorrow morning and he strongly suggests that you come in at that time to speak with him. Thank you.”

I can’t help but laugh.

“What’s up?” Chris asks, interrupting whatever Vinny is saying.

“Listen to this.” I say, hitting replay on the voicemail and handing it to him.

He can’t help but laugh too. He hits replay and listens to it again.

“What’s going on you guys?” Vinny asks, looking back and forth between us.

Chris isn’t laughing anymore.

“Um, baby, I just googled that phone number and it really is the Dr. Bokan’s office.”

“Come on, someone is just bullshitting me. Did you do this Vin?”

“Do what?” He asks, looking genuinely confused.

“It’s because I’ve only been sick in the mornings isn’t it? You thought it would be funny to prank call me with results that I’m pregnant huh?”

“You’re what?” 

“I’m not. Obviously.”

“Well I didn’t do anything and Chris says the number is legit. How-“

Chris cuts him off before he can ask me any questions.

“Let’s go to your room Rick.” 

I nod and follow him.

“There’s no chance this is real, right?” He asks as soon as I shut my door.

“What the fuck do you mean? Of course not.”

“I mean, it’s not totally impossible. Sometimes guys have like...female reproductive stuff.”

“But wouldn’t I know?”

“Maybe you should call your mom? Don’t tell her what’s going on, just hint around and see what she says?”

“Okay, yeah, I can do that.”

I dial up my mom and wait while it rings.

“Ricky, I haven’t heard from you in so long!”

“Hey mom, can I ask you something?”

“Well sure.”

“I got some weird results from a recent...physical... and I was wondering if you knew anything about it.”

“Oh- um. What kind of results?”

“Mom, I can’t- I can’t carry babies can I?” I don’t know how to hint around this, I need to know.

“Ricky, you’ve been using condoms with Chris, right?”

I sigh and feel a rush of panic, my eyes connecting with Chris’.

“Mom, fucking answer me.”

“Yes! Okay? Yes you can.”

“How? And how did you keep this from me for almost thirty years?”

I look over at my boyfriend again and he looks terrified.

“You were born with a female reproductive system and I never told you because it didn’t matter. If you had been straight-“

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Just listen. I love you and I love Chris, but if you had been straight this would never have been an issue. You would never have needed to know.”

“Well I’m pregnant, so I hope you’re happy.”

I hang up the call and turn to my boyfriend’s open arms.

“You heard everything, right?” I murmur into his chest.

“Yeah.”

“I’m a freak.”

“No, definitely not baby. We’re gonna figure this out, okay?”

“Could you do me a favor and not call me baby for awhile?”

“Sure honey.”

I smile up at him.

“I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.” I mutter.

“It’s both of our faults, we should’ve been more careful.”

“Yeah, I but I pushed for it. Who fucking cares if it feels better without protection? Look at the fucking mess I’ve gotten us into.”

“We didn’t know. It’s gonna be okay.”

I nod but can’t help but feel like this is gonna be hell.

Chris stays the night so that he can drive me to our appointment, which we’re late for because I can’t keep the contents of my stomach inside me.

Now we’re back at my apartment, researching intersex pregnancy, abortions, adoption, and everything in between.

“What the fuck are we gonna do?” I sigh, flopping back on the couch and resting my feet in my boyfriend’s lap.

“Well, it’s obviously your decision. It’s your body.”

“No no no.” I groan, massaging a headache in my temples. “It’s my body but it’s our baby and I can’t make that decision. What do you want to do?”

“Well, I don’t know how to say this gently, but I don’t want a baby.”

“Oh thank god, me neither.” I agree, relieved.

“So the only real decision is if you want an abortion, or if you want to carry it and give it up for adoption.”

“If you weren’t so goddamn gay and sexy, I wouldn’t be in this situation.” I grumble.

“Hey! Don’t blame my good looks and sexual orientation for this! If you could control your kink for wanting me to cum inside you we would be better off.” He jokes. I sit up and smack his arm playfully.

He presses our lips together and moves me onto his lap.

“You obviously don’t have to make your decision right this minute,” he starts. “But what are you leaning towards?”

I sigh and start playing with his fingers. I can’t believe how understanding he’s been about all of this.

“I don’t want to a pregnant guy.”

“That’s completely understandable hon.”

“At least this way nobody else really has to know. Just my mom.” I say, feeling a little better.

Just then I hear the lock rattle on the front door and Vinny walks in.

“Oh fuck.” Chris curses, looking at our friend.

“Wow, nice to see you guys too. So Rick, how’s the baby?” He asks with a laugh. He’s not being an asshole, he still thinks it’s all a joke.

I rest my head back on Chris’ shoulder and blink back some tears. He just holds me tighter and stays quiet because I don’t think either of us know what to say. If I have an abortion there’s gonna be some recovery that would be hard to keep a secret from Vin anyways.

“Holy fucking shit, are you actually pregnant?”  
Vinny says in shock.

“Um, yeah.” I mutter.

“But I think he’s gonna have an abortion, so please don’t tell anyone.”

“Oh my god. Okay, sure. Do you guys... need anything?”

“I think we’re okay Vin. Just trying to figure everything out.”

“Yeah, sure.” He says, scurrying off to his room.

We call and make an appointment for the abortion as soon as we can, but I have to wait an entire week. I’m having a slightly different surgery from girls, it’s much closer to a C-section so I’m expecting about six weeks of recovery. They said it won’t be too bad, but I should rest and not lift anything heavy while the incision heals. Chris and I decide that I should stay at his place while I’m recovering, that way he can take care me.

It’s the day before my surgery and I’ve decided to go see my mom. She lives about half an hour away from me, but I don’t see her very often since I’m gone on tour.

“Ricky, honey I didn’t know you were stopping by!” She greets me. My mom looks a lot like me but with softer features and she keeps her hair bleached blonde.

“Sorry, I just wanted to talk. I didn’t know I was coming till this morning.”

“Well come on in.”

We sit uncomfortably in the living room and I bounce my leg, trying to release some anxiety.

“Honey, the other day on the phone-“

I cut her off because I know I should apologize and explain.

“Yeah, I’m sorry mom. I was just stressed out and I shouldn’t have cussed at you, but I am actually pregnant.”

“You don’t need to apologize, I should. You know that I completely support your relationship with Chris and I was insensitive to suggest that it’s wrong because it’s not. At all. Okay?”

I just nod, knowing she’s not finished. 

“And I’m also sorry that I never mentioned your intersexual organs. I was worried that you would think differently of yourself and you were already struggling so much. It doesn’t matter, I was wrong to keep that from you and I know I’ve caused you some trouble now.”

I feel a dull ache in my stomach, but I completely ignore it.

“It’s okay mom, I’ve got it all worked out, but I really appreciate all of that.”

“Is there anything I can help with? I could make some meals for you, or help you shop for maternity clothes because those might be tricky to find.”

I feel the pain in my stomach again, but I’m sure it’s nothing. Probably something caused by all the vomiting.

“I actually have an abortion scheduled for tomorrow morning.”

“Oh! Oh. That’s fast, have you thought it through?”

“There wasn’t a lot to think about. Neither Chris or I want a baby and I really don’t want to carry one even if we give it up for adoption.”

“Well that sounds fairly simple then. Have you discussed preventative measures so this doesn’t happen again?”

I knew this would come up and I know I’m already blushing. Only my mom would think she can casually ask about my sex life. I told Chris this would happen and he said that it’s okay if I tell her our plan.

“Chris is gonna get a vasectomy as soon as I’m recovered from my surgery. We don’t think it’s smart to have our procedures too close together.”

“Are you sure that you don’t want to-“

She’s still talking but all of a sudden a sharp pain stabs through my stomach. It feels tight and so painful that I have to double over. When it subsides I realize that my mom is crouched in front of me, holding one of my hands.

“Are you okay?” She asks, a worried written all over her face.

“I think so.” I murmur, straightening back up. I have about two minutes of relief and then the pain takes over again. I’ve never felt something like this in my life and it’s actually making me nauseous.

“I’m gonna be sick.” I warn my mom as I bolt for the bathroom. I start puking into the toilet but I’ve barely eaten since I was sick this morning, so not much is coming up.

Even though I beg her not to, my mom calls an ambulance. I pull my phone out of my pocket and hit Chris’ contact. The pain has subsided for the time being, even though I know it will be back, so I need to make this quick.

“Hey honey.” He answers.

“Chris I’m at my mom’s.” 

“Okay? Is something wrong?”

“I don’t know I-“ That’s all the further I make it before I have to grit my teeth against the pain.

“What’s going on? Ricky are you okay?”

“I’m having these crazy stomach pains and I just threw up again and my mom called an ambulance.”

“Let me talk to your mom.”

“No I-“

“Ricky. Now.” He orders.

I hand the phone to my mom and she tells him what hospital they’ll take me to. When she hangs up she returns my phone to me and starts rubbing my back.

“He’s on his way and the ambulance should be here any minute. It’s gonna be okay sweetheart.”

I start crying, mostly from stress but also pain. 

When the EMTs arrive they bring in a stretcher and let me lay down while they ask us a few questions. It’s not long before I’m being wheeled into the hospital. As we pass reception I see Chris is already here, waiting for me.

“Ricky!” He calls, coming up to me before they push me back to a room.

“How’d you get here so fast?” 

“A lot of speeding. How are you feeling?”

A nurse walks up to take me to a room right as a dizzying wave of agony comes over me.

“Shit!” I cuss, curling up to try and fend off the pain.

“Oh my god, is he okay?” Chris frantically asks the nurse as he takes my hand.

“I don’t know sir, you need to wait here while a doctor sees him.”

With that being said Chris leans down and kisses my forehead before I’m taken away.

My room is tiny but I’m just relieved when a doctor finally comes in to see me. He’s short and small with wavy, black hair and a surprising amount of tattoos for his profession.

“Hello Mr. Olson, I’m Dr. Quinn.”

“Hi.” I greet him, trying to sit up a little.

“No, don’t sit up. Stay comfortable, I’ve just got a couple of things to go over with you.”

I nod and try to ignore my pain so I can focus on his words.

“I have your file from Dr. Bokan’s office, so I’m aware of your current pregnancy, but I’m afraid you’re have a miscarriage.”

I feel an unexpected pang of sadness.

“You see Mr. Olson, this is very common for men with intersexual organs. Pregnancy via anal sex is usually a possibility, but it’s very rare that you can actually carry a baby to term. It’s seems as though you started miscarrying today and that’s why you’ve been having cramps.”

“Cramps, like when girls get cramps?” 

“Yes. You’re likely feeling something very similar to menstrual cramps because much like the body pushes out the lining of the uterus during a woman’s period, your body is trying to push out the fetus. Only it has nowhere to go, so we need to perform an ultrasound now and probably get you in for surgery.”

“Okay, um can you get my boyfriend? His name is Chris Cerulli, he’s in the waiting room.”

“Sure, I’ll send him back. A nurse will be here for your ultrasound and to give you an IV soon. Alright?”

“Yes, thank you doctor.” I say, hoisting myself up to shake his hand.

It only takes a couple minutes before Chris appears by my bed. I’m sure he knocked and everything but by now I’m exhausted from these...cramps. 

“How are you doing baby?”

“Girls are fucking warriors.” I say through clenched teeth.

“What?” He says with a laugh.

“I’m fucking have cramps and I think I might die.”

“The doctor filled me in, I guess the problem took care of itself, huh?”

I can’t help the rush of emotions I feel. Maybe it’s hormones or the pain but I burst into tears. 

“No no no, I’m so sorry. Fuck, what’s wrong?” He asks, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

It’s takes me a second to stop crying and get ahold of myself.

“I didn’t want the baby anyways, I was gonna go through with the abortion...but for some reason I’m sad I’m miscarrying. Is that crazy?”

“No, it’s not crazy at all. I think miscarriages are just an emotional thing, you know?”

“Thank you for being here. This has all been such a mess.” I whimper.

“You don’t need to thank me hon, I wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else.”

The ultrasound confirms that I’m losing the baby, so I immediately go in for an abortion. It all goes well and I only have to stay in the hospital for one night. The next day Chris takes me back to my apartment since I don’t have any clothes or anything at his place.

When we arrive Vinny is in the living room and I cringe, remembering that he doesn’t know what happened.

“Shit, you look terrible Ricky.”

“Thanks asshole.” I reply, even though I know he’s right. I’m still in yesterday’s clothes, my skin is pale and my hair is probably greasy.

“He ended up miscarrying the baby yesterday, Vinny.” Chris tells him. He’s helping me into my room even though I don’t need it. My incision is painful when I bend over, but walking is okay.

“Oh. I’m sorry you guys. I thought you’d just... you know. It was scheduled for today.”

“It’s okay, you didn’t know.” I assure him.

“I feel gross, I’m going to shower.” I tell Chris, removing his hand from my arm where he was helping steady me.

“Um no, you’re going to bed. Those stitches have to stay dry for twenty-four hours.”

“It’s close enough.” I groan.

“It’s only been...” he stops to count and I sigh. “Fifteen hours since you came out of surgery.”

“Ugh. Fine, will you at least come lay with me?” I ask.

“Of course I will.” He says, planting a kiss on top of my head.

He helps me into fresh clothes before we both get in my bed. I have to lay on my back, so he lays next to me, letting me cuddle in as much as I can. I take his hand and lace our fingers together.

“I love you Ricky.”

“I love you too honey. I can’t thank you enough times for sticking around through all this.”

“I always want to be with you. No matter what.”

I think for a minute before coming to a decision.

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you marry me?”

“What?” He asks, laughing a little.

“I don’t have a ring, and I don’t think I could get down on one knee if I tried, but I’m proposing to you.”

He props himself up on one arm so I can see him. His eyes are glistening with tears and he has a huge smile on his face.

“Of course I’ll marry you!” He exclaims, leaning down and connecting our lips. The kiss is short and passionate before both have to stop and dry our faces.

“I was gonna ask you. I even have a ring!” He admits.

“You do?”

“Yeah, it’s at home. I’ll get it for you tomorrow.”

“You’re so sweet, I wish I had something for you. This is completely unplanned.”

“I don’t care about presents, I just can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Me too.” I murmur, pressing our lips back together.


End file.
